You're not being heard—but here's the twist

sent by  F R E D   V A N   R I P E R      |      April 20, 2025

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Ever had a conversation that felt like you hit a brick wall?

One of you brings something up—maybe something small, maybe something big— maybe it's feeling overwhelmed, or needing help with the kids.

And before you know it, it’s an argument.You’re defending yourself.They’re upset.And somehow, you feel like the bad guy—again.

You walk away thinking:

“It's always my fault.”“I can’t say anything without it turning into a fight.”“I’m better off keeping it to myself.”

Here’s what’s actually happening:

You’re not having a conversation.You’re having a contest.

A battle for who’s right.Who’s doing more.Who’s more hurt.Who gets to win.

This mindset? It kills connection.

The Trap of "Being Right"

Most men don’t mean to get combative.

They’re just scared. Of being blamed. Misunderstood. Seen as the problem.

So they deflect. Defend. Fix. Or freeze.

All understandable.

But here’s the truth Jeremy Roadruck and I unpacked on this week’s ​Dads Interrupted​ episode:

In relationships, winning is often the exact thing that keeps you losing.

You don’t need a better argument.You need a better connection.

That starts with a shift in how you approach conflict.

1 Skill: Lead with Curiosity, Not Control

Next time you feel misunderstood, don’t jump to your defense.

Start with curiosity.

(On the episode, Jeremy describes it as turning frustration into fascination)

Ask:

• “What are you feeling right now?”
• “Can you help me understand what’s really going on for you?”
• “Is there something you wish I’d seen or done differently?”

This isn’t about giving up your side.

It’s about making space for the relationship to win, not just your ego.

1 Mindset Shift: Feeling challenged doesn't mean you're being attacked

Most of us grew up in environments where confrontation meant danger.

So any sign of frustration or disappointment feels like we’re under siege.

But what if challenge didn’t mean criticism?

What if it meant someone cares enough to try to get through?

Try this reframe:

​“This isn’t about me being wrong. It’s about us getting closer.”

1 Action Step: Drop the Debate

This week, find a moment where you'd normally try to prove a point.

Instead, pause.Drop your armor.

Say: “I’m listening. I really want to understand where you’re coming from.”

That one sentence?

It can change the entire emotional temperature of a conversation.

Why This Matters

You don’t build trust through domination.You build it through dialogue.

You don’t need to win every argument.You need to win your family’s trust.

And that starts by being someone they feel safe talking to—even when it’s hard.

Because real leadership isn’t about control.It’s about connection.

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