Why did it blow up?
sent by F R E D V A N R I P E R | May 4, 2025
Last Thursday night, a client texted me:
“I literally said nothing wrong. But my wife still got defensive. I don’t get it.”
He’s not clueless. He’s kind, self-aware, and working hard to change old patterns.
But here’s what I’ve learned after coaching hundreds of men:
You can say all the right words, and still set off alarms—because of your tone.
And once that alarm goes off?
It doesn’t matter how logical, calm, or “well-intentioned” your words are.
You’ve already lost the room.
1 Skill: Calibrate your tone like it’s part of the message—because it is
Tone isn't decoration.
It's the delivery system for your entire message.It tells the other person whether they're safe or under threat.Whether you're open to connection—or ready to dominate.
That’s why your tone does more work than your words ever will.
You can say:
- “I’m just trying to understand.”
- “Can we talk later?”
- “That’s not what I meant.”
But if your tone is clipped, cold, or loaded with resentment?It won’t land as connection.It’ll land as control.
And defensiveness is a natural response to control.
1 Mindset Shift: Being clear doesn’t mean you were received
A lot of guys tell me, “I was super clear.”And they were—in their heads.
But clarity isn’t just about saying it plainly.It’s about being felt as safe while you say it.
So if your tone carries judgment, urgency, sarcasm, or self-protection,you’re not just delivering information—you’re delivering pressure.And pressure breaks trust.
Let go of the idea that if your words were fine, it’s on them.
Start asking:
“Did the way I said it invite connection—or trigger defense?”
1 Action Step: Run the Tone Playback Test
Before you walk into a conversation that matters—record yourself.
Literally.
Use your phone. Say the first 2–3 sentences of what you want to say.Then play it back and ask:
- Would I feel safe hearing this?
- Does this sound like curiosity… or a cross-examination?
- Am I leading with pressure or presence?
If it’s not landing, tweak your tone.
Sometimes a 5% shift can prevent a 5-day spiral.
Why This Matters
Most communication breakdowns don’t happen because you said the wrong thing.
They happen because the other person felt wrong the moment you started talking.
And when you start treating tone like it’s part of the message,you stop just delivering content—and start building connection.
Want to lead with confidence and get out of defensive cycles—for good?
That’s what we're building inside The Complete Leader Method and The Workroom.
