Why AI won't save your marriage (but this will)
sent by F R E D V A N R I P E R | June 1, 2025
Last Tuesday, a friend showed me the ChatGPT apology he'd sent his wife.
The prompt was detailed. The response was eloquent. The delivery was flawless.
The result?
She asked him to sleep on the couch.
"I don't understand," he said. "It covered everything. It was perfectly worded. I even had it add emotional language."
Here's what he missed:
His wife didn't need better words. She needed him to show up.
But like a lot of men right now, he thought technology could shortcut the hard work of actually feeling his feelings and communicating them authentically.
It can't.
Here's what I'm seeing everywhere:
Men are outsourcing their emotional labor to AI.
Not just apology texts. Everything.
"How do I respond when my wife says she feels unheard?"
"What should I say when my kids are acting out?"
"Help me write a message that shows I care."
And look...I get it.
AI is incredible.
It can help you think through problems, organize your thoughts, even practice difficult conversations.
But it can't be you.
And your family doesn't need a more articulate version of someone who's checked out.
They need you. Present, imperfect, and real.
The deeper issue isn't the technology. It's what drives us to it.
We're terrified of saying the wrong thing.
→ So we let AI say the "right" thing instead.
We're afraid of not being enough.
→ So we try to optimize our way to connection.
We want to fix things fast.
→ So we look for the perfect words instead of doing the slow work of actually changing.
But here's the truth your wife won't tell you (because she's probably tried before):
She doesn't need you to be perfect. She needs you to be present.
She doesn't need flawless communication. She needs honest communication.
She doesn't need you to never mess up. She needs you to own it when you do...with your words, from your heart.
The real work can't be automated.
You can't outsource:
- Learning to sit with discomfort instead of fixing it
- Building the capacity to hear feedback without getting defensive
- Developing the self-awareness to catch your patterns before they damage connection
- Creating safety through consistency, not eloquence
That's your work. The inner work.
And it's the only work that actually transforms relationships.
Here's what works instead:
Map It: Before you reach for AI, ask yourself: what am I actually feeling right now? Not what should I feel. What do I feel. Anger? Fear? Shame?
Build It: Practice staying present with uncomfortable emotions. In your body. In real time. This builds your capacity to handle conflict without needing to control or collapse.
Live It: Show up consistently with your values, especially when it's hard. Your partner learns to trust you through your actions over time, not your words in the moment.
Lead It: Take responsibility for your emotional state. Stop expecting your family to manage your reactions. That's leadership.
1 Skill: Feel first, then speak
Before you craft the "perfect" response - to your partner, your kids, anyone - pause and actually feel what's happening in your body. AI can help you organize thoughts, but it can't feel your feelings.
And if you're not connected to what you're actually experiencing, your words will sound hollow no matter how well they're written.
1 Mindset Shift: Connection beats perfection
Your family would rather have 30 seconds of you being genuinely present than 30 minutes of you performing "emotional intelligence" you borrowed from a chatbot.
Messy and real beats polished and empty every single time.
1 Action Step: Try the 3-breath rule
Next time you want to reach for AI to help you respond to something emotional, take 3 deep breaths first.
Ask yourself: "What do I actually feel? What do I actually need to say?"
Let that be your starting point.
Use AI to organize or refine if you want, but not to replace your authentic response.
Why This Matters
Because your family is learning who you are through every interaction.
And if you keep outsourcing the hard conversations, the vulnerable moments, the imperfect apologies...they're learning that the real you isn't safe to be around.
They're learning that you'd rather perform connection than actually create it.
But when you show up authentically - even when you stumble, even when your words aren't perfect - you teach them something different:
That you're willing to do the work.
That you care enough to be uncomfortable.
That they matter more than your ego.
AI can help you think.
But only you can help you feel.
AI can help you communicate.
But only you can help you connect.
Use the technology. But don't let it use you.
Your marriage doesn't need better algorithms.
It needs a better you.
