The voice in your head is breaking trust
sent by F R E D V A N R I P E R | May 25, 2025
The shame spiral almost cost me everything.
Not the loud, obvious shame.
The quiet kind.
The kind that whispers:
- “You always mess this up.”
- “They’re going to see you’re not enough.”
- “Say less, before you make it worse.”
It showed up in the mirror. In meetings. In my marriage.
I didn't lose publicly.
I just started playing smaller.
Withdrew when things got tense.
Said “it’s fine” when it wasn’t.
All the while, that voice in my head narrated everything with judgment.
Until one day, I looked at my son and realized:
If I keep talking to myself like this…He’s going to learn to do the same.
Here’s what I’ve learned since then:
Self-talk isn’t private.
It leaks.
You might think you’re keeping the shame spiral contained in your own mind—but that’s not how energy works.
When your inner voice is cruel, your outer presence is uncertain.
You hesitate.
You over-explain.
You pull away before others can.
You create distance where there could’ve been connection.
Not because of what you said.But because of what you believed.
1 Skill: Speak to yourself like someone you want to trust
You can’t build connection with others when your relationship with yourself is full of quiet contempt.
Because communication isn’t just words.
It’s energy. It’s posture. It’s presence.
And if your inner voice is constantly narrating your failure, you’ll subconsciously try to manage or control others to avoid further “proof” that you’re not enough.
It’s a loop that feeds itself:
🔁 Harsh self-talk → Defensive posture → Miscommunication → Shame → Even harsher self-talk.
But when you interrupt that loop with self-understanding and self-compassion, everything starts to shift.
Not because you're sugarcoating your flaws — but because you're finally making room to learn without being torn down in the process.
1 Mindset Shift: Every word—especially the ones you say to yourself—either heals or harms
Maya Angelou said, “People will forget what you said, but never how you made them feel.”
That includes you.
You will forget the exact mistake you made.
But your body won’t forget how it felt to beat yourself up afterward.
You’ll flinch at feedback.
You’ll avoid risk.
You’ll shrink before you start.
As Joe Hudson says:
"You guarantee your failure privately by not exposing yourself to failure publicly."
This isn’t about positive affirmations and sticky-note mantras.
It’s about creating a new default: one that builds your internal safety, so you can show up in relationships without needing to control or collapse.
1 Action Step: Say something kind—to you first, then someone else
Right now, try this:
- Think of the last mistake you made.
- Write down what your inner critic said.
- Now re-write it as if you were talking to someone you love who made the same mistake.
It will feel awkward at first.
But it’s not fake.
It’s training.
You’re learning to build emotional capacity instead of abandoning yourself in moments of tension.
And from that grounded place, you’ll be less reactive, more present—and safer to be around.
Say something kind to someone else today too.
But let it start with how you speak to yourself.
Why This Matters
The quality of your relationships will rise or fall to the level of your internal dialogue.
The voice in your head is either helping you build trust—or slowly eroding it.
Want to show up with more presence, confidence, and clarity?
Start with the way you talk to yourself when no one else is listening.
