Leverage Tension For Relationship Growth

Last week, I attended an event in Nashville with other world class entrepreneurs who are making a positive impact on the people they serve.

The energy and value of getting in the right rooms cannot be overstated.

As I flew back home, I was thinking about everything I learned and how I can help you use what I learned to accelerate growth in your relationships.

(I'm fascinated by how many business principles transfer and apply to relationship success.)

As I reflected on the flight home, we hit some turbulence.

And it hit me.

That's something all relationships have consistently.

And something many people get wrong.

Growth Requires Tension

During one of the sessions, we discussed a book called The Bezos Letters.

Author Steve Anderson studied every annual shareholder letter Jeff Bezos wrote from 1997 to 2018 and identified 14 "Growth Principles" based on patterns he found within the letters.

Steve helps business owners understand how to leverage the exquisite tension between risk taking and business growth.

Savvy business owners know they need tension to grow.

Yet, most people tend to run from tension.

So today, I'm going to show you why you need to run towards it.

Let's dig in.

No Struggle, No Progress

Frederick Douglass is often referred to as the father of the civil rights movement.

He understood deeply that in order to achieve progress, it required struggle.

In his incredible "West India Emancipation" speech, he called it the "philosophy of reform."

"If there is no struggle, there is no progress." - Frederick Douglass, 1857, "West India Emancipation" speech, Canandaigua, NY

Tension in Relationships

Relationships are full of problems.

Solving them with your partner is an opportunity to gain momentum and achieve forward progress.

But only if you allow it.

If you run, shut down, or expect growth without dealing with the tension, plan to lose.

Difficult conversations and conflict are just a part of the game.

If you refuse to play, you are rejecting growth.

Why It Happens and Why It Matters

People run away from problems for 3 main reasons:

Fear
Lack
Overwhelm

A relationship that matters has conflict.

That's undeniable.

Many people don't bother resolving an altercation with a stranger: neither side cares about the relationship enough to resolve the problem.

At home, unresolved or poorly resolved problems lead to:

Lack of emotional connection
Communication and trust breakdown
Mental and physical health consequences

This leads to negative cycles that repeat over and over, until someone decides they're done.

Problem Reframe

What if you decided that every single problem has been provided to give you an advantage?

To teach you something you need to learn?

Instead of allowing the insecurity, blame, and shame to lead, you decide to step up, be accountable, and problem-solve.

You decide to take advantage of this growth opportunity.

You decide to be grateful.

You decide to realize that this a defining moment, uncomfortable as it may be, that in the long run, is protecting you from a lack of progress.

If you have no problems, you have no progress.

No problems, no progress.

Conclusion

Fear. Lack. OverWhelm.

That is not the FLOW we are looking for.

This is a negative cycle that just leads to more fear, more lack, and more overwhelm.

Here's a problem-solving framework to remember and implement the next time you have a problem in your relationship.

F - Face the Problem
L - Leverage Resources
O - Open Communication
W - Work Towards Solutions

You can choose to go with the fear, lack and overwhelm kind of flow (negative momentum) or the face, leverage, open, work kind of flow (positive momentum).

Next week, I'll be talking more about momentum, the flywheel effect, and how you can implement the same concept that Amazon used for growth (I'd say it worked pretty well) and apply it to realize growth in your relationship.

Until then, go with the (second) FLOW.